A Place to Heal

It's been two weeks and two days since our sweet Asher left Earth to be with Jesus in Heaven. I can say that my tears have slowed down, but the hurt has not gone away and will probably never go away. I have been ever so blessed with wonderful family and friends who have stayed with me, cried with me, talked with me, and just "be" with me. Thank you God for placing ALL of these wonderful people in my life. After the funeral and the commotion started to slow down, I knew it was time to start my healing process. I prayed to God to help heal us and to show us how to heal. I went out and bought a journal in which I had decided to write my thoughts and feelings down, but I have recently found so much comfort through other people who have experienced the same loss as myself or the loss of a child through blogs.

Shortly after the loss of Asher, friends have been giving me addresses of other women's blogs who have experienced this type of loss and by reading their stories filled with such real and raw emotions. With tissues by my side, I realized I am not alone in this. These strangers have helped me in more ways than they know. They helped me to know what I am feeling is o.k. and is normal and that time heals all things. So, my theory is: If all these wonderful strangers have been such a help to me, why can't I help someone else who is hurting? And why not help myself heal in the process of recording my thoughts and emotions down? I am hoping in the days, weeks, months and years to come this tragedy will make me a better person, a more compassionate person. Below is something I wrote right after Asher left us. I never want to ever forget any detail of his nine months with us here on Earth and this is the only way I knew of documenting him.

My Baby Angel Asher

Asher’s journey with us began on January 21, 2012. I still remembering waking up one Saturday morning knowing that I would take a test that could possibly change our lives forever. When I saw the “Pregnant” pop up on the digital pregnancy test, so many emotions flooded me: happiness, hope, scared, anxious, excitement……the list could go on. I let Darren sleep and wanted to surprise him when he woke up. I put the test in his bathroom drawer by his toiletries so he had to see it when getting ready that morning. I made sure I was in the bathroom to see his reaction and that man literally went through the motions of getting ready and didn’t even notice the test. He finally asked me why I was watching him get ready and why I had a funny look on my face and that’s when he looked down and saw the test. For the next 24-48 hours, I continuously went to the bathroom to see the POSITIVE pregnancy test to make sure it was real, and it was. It was one happy day for our family of three.

You see, in October of 2011, we suffered a miscarriage, which was absolutely devastating. I wasn’t angry, but I was confused. Was I being punished for something I had done wrong? I grieved for a short period of time and threw myself back into work to keep my mind distracted. At that time, I knew all that could fill that void was to keep trying and never give up my dream of having a big family. The doctor gave specific instructions of waiting two cycles of ovulation before trying again. Darren and I decided to try immediately after since we didn’t know how long it would take for us to get pregnant again. Which brings me back to January 21, 2012; with the help of God, we made our little miracle baby Asher and all the feelings of sadness were gone and replaced with feelings of hope and new beginning.

My pregnancy with Asher wasn’t exactly easy. I worried and worried. I should have known better to carry my burdens and worry on my shoulders when our God tells us to give all that we worry to him and he will take care of the rest. It wasn’t until I felt the first flutters of Asher inside my growing belly, in which my worries started to subside. I felt lucky to be able to feel him so early on in the pregnancy and still consider myself lucky because I got to feel every kick, roll, shake, hiccup for almost six months. And then our 18 week anatomy scan was here and we had found out Asher had a singular umbilical artery. And then my worries came flooding back to a ten-fold. This condition is not common, but there’s a 75% chance that babies born with this condition come out perfectly healthy. An umbilical cord is supposed to have three vessels: two arteries and a vein. Asher’s umbilical cord only had two: one artery and one vein. I was immediately a high-risk pregnancy and was referred to a specialist in Macon. I remember sitting in the waiting room with other women and thinking that there could be a possibility that one of us would be walking out of the office that day with bad news. I wasn’t one of them, praise the Lord. The doctor said Asher was perfectly healthy and we could consider my pregnancy a normal one. My doctor back at home was still going to take precautions and check on Asher with growth checks and weekly NST’s to make sure her was receiving enough oxygen.

Everything was going great. Asher did well on all his check-ups and was always above the 50^th percentile range. I washed all the baby clothes, cleaned out the nursery with the help of family, and painted decorations to hang on the walls. By week 36 we were ready to bring our baby boy home. Asher’s big brother, Ethan, was ready too. We had told him about Asher throughout the pregnancy but had really stepped it up the past month since we knew it could be any day now. He rocked his Woody doll in the bassinet and gave mommy’s belly hugs and kisses. I was so excited to watch these two boys grow up together and be the best of friends.

My pre-op appointment was on Wednesday, September 5, 2012(37 weeks and 1 day). I spent half the day in the doctor’s office getting blood work done, having my NST(which looked great) and paperwork on top of paperwork. I was excited that in a week and a half I would have this new blessing in my arms. Then Thursday night rolled around. I got off a little early because I was so tired and decided to pick up Ethan. Darren had to stay at work late so when we got home, I didn’t rest since Ethan wanted mommy to play. How could I refuse playing with the cutest 2 year old boy I know? When Darren got home, I retired and took a nice, long shower and got into bed to finally rest. Fast forward to around 1AM. Ethan started crying and I got up as fast as I could to his room. He was sitting up and he said, “Baby.” I noticed it and thought it was funny for him to say that, but really didn’t think anything of it. Ethan’s nose was stopped up, so I let him sleep in my bed with me so I could listen to his breathing. Well, I couldn’t go back to sleep because I started thinking about him saying “baby.” And that’s when I noticed Asher hadn’t moved since Ethan woke up. But, then I tried to calm myself in knowing that Asher wasn’t a big mover during the night and he was probably sleeping. Around 2:17 AM, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I pulled my maternity pillow over my head and it literally knocked the electrical sockets out of the wall causing all of my electronics on the side of my bed to flicker and shut off. I am not one of superstitions, but I was really scared that this was a sign. Again, I calmed myself and tried to sleep. When I woke up around 6:30 AM, Ethan was breathing a lot better, but my Asher still wasn’t moving. I tried not to panic. Instead I tried to use logic along with prayer and chugged ice cold water, took a hot shower, ate a sugary breakfast, and lie on my right side. Nothing was working. I called the doctor’s office which they had to call me back. By now it was around 8:30 in the morning. I tried one last trick of putting a baking sheet on my belly and dropping my keys to see if it would startle him, but that didn’t work. I still hadn’t heard back from the doctor’s office so I headed in the car and picked up Darren on the way.

Pulled up to the doctor’s office and I was more scared than I had ever been in my whole life. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, they hooked me up to an NST and had trouble finding Asher’s heartbeat. And then they found it: it was between 110-125, but the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. Little did I know that wasn’t Asher’s heartbeat; it was my own….racing. We walked to the ultrasound room and that’s when the horror began. They pulled him up on the screen and there was his heart…..with no flicker. The doctor asked to turn on the noise from the Doppler and again, no noise but the inside of my stomach and the steady noise of static. The ultrasound tech just put her head down and said, “I’m so sorry.” I can’t even re-call what the doctor said to me. My sweet baby boy that I was supposed to meet in a week was now gone. I.WAS.IN.SHOCK. I got up and went over to Darren who was already crying and all I could keep saying was that I was sorry, so very sorry. I had no tears. All I could think to myself was that I was a failure and that I couldn’t even keep my own children alive. I was numb. I don’t think it hit me until we were at the hospital and I just cried and cried and cried.

Asher James Ellis was born on September 7, 2012 at 3:54PM. He weighed 7 pounds, 2 ounces, was 21 inches long and every part of him was perfect. He had Ethan’s nose and lips and a head full of dark hair. His skin was so soft and still warm to the touch. I held him in my arms and cried, and cried. I asked God why he had to take my child? Why me? Why do bad things happen to good people? I was so angry but at the same time I was overflowing with sadness that I would never be able to hear my child laugh, cry or talk. There were times where I was holding him and admiring him that I had almost thought maybe, with an ounce of hope, that he would open his eyes and everything would be fine, but he never did. I held him as long as I could and memorized every ounce of him that I could. I don’t ever want to forget my second-born son. If I could sit here and imagine what my son would be like, I would guess that he would be very laid back, care-free and easy going; just like his daddy. I had dreams of him being a leader and inspiring people to follow the Lord. I drew a painting over his dresser with the verse; Matthew 4:19 “Come follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” I know Asher is gone now, but this verse of his has made me want to follow Him in every way possible to come to the gates of Heaven. I know I will meet my son one day and pick up right where we left off. I know I am needed here on Earth. I have two beautiful earth angels to take care of; my beautiful Ethan and my adoring husband, Darren. I know he is resting and is in a place where everything is perfect such as he was. God has given me comfort and each day gives me one more ounce of peace. I pray that he continues to give us comfort, peace and hope in the days ahead.

At this time, I am incredibly thankful for our supportive friends and family. The love that has been shown to us is more than I could every possibly hope for. My sweet Asher may have not been on this Earth long, but I know he will make an everlasting impact on many people’s lives. I am so proud and in awe of my husband. He is my rock and has carried me through this tragedy. He is such a strong man and I am so blessed to call him my husband. And my son here on Earth, Ethan. I know he’s only two years old, but this little boy of mine is years beyond his age. He asked to see his baby brother Asher(which we let him), gave him a kiss and even stroked his face ever so gently. He is and always will be the best big brother there ever was. I can only hope that my sweet Asher sends me little signs that he is o.k. and that he is smiling down upon us throughout the years to come. We love you sweet Angel Asher and cannot wait to hold you in our arms once again.